The Star on My Christmas Tree

Every Christmas,
I hang a picture of my son
atop my Christmas tree,
along with colorful others—

some, culled from
school photos, ornaments made
in kindergarten, some framed
in ornamental Christmas frames—

To these I add ornaments
from the schools he went to,
depicting their logos, mottos.

The Christmas before he was born,
I started collecting ornaments
to celebrate him; his birth,
alongside the Christ Child.

I flipped through
the Lillian Vernon catalogs,
searching for the perfect
plasticky animals, the soft stitched
angels — angels who seem to have
deserted me now.

And still I hang them every year.
It became a tradition between us,
to collect ornaments at fairs,
in stores, on travels
far and wide — Venetian masked figures,
Guatemalan dolls, and of course,
Nutcrackers of Fritz and Clara.

And suddenly, the Nutcracker
consumed our lives, as he danced,
from mouse to Fritz.
Somewhere in all this,
an alienation germinated —
ballet, turned toxic.

It has been
fifteen years now, since I have
not seen my only child,
my preemie baby —
alienated from me,
why, and by whom, I don’t seem to know.
Perhaps by myself?

A tradition is born —
to mourn
my own mistakes —
Joy taken from what should have been
J-O–Y–F–U–L.

My grief knows no bounds.

And yet, as the lights
go up on the tree,
among the glittering,
musical ornaments,
the tinsel,
there is hope —
hope that this tradition
will become a manifestation:

“This year, this year—
Let the day arrive,
when Christmas
comes for everyone,
Everyone, alive.”
Including me and my son.

Looking for more holiday reflections? Enjoy these beautiful pieces from our staff and contributors who appreciate and understand both the delights and challenges of the season.

• Missing Everything – Emotive Christmas Fiction
• What’s the Rest of the Story? – Christmas Poetry
• The Christmas Rose – a Poem
• Something About Light – Hanukkah Poetry
• Gumshoe Gus: The Case of the Missing Ornament
• It’s Fruitcake Weather – Christmas Nonfiction
• Gingerbreading – My Favorite Things
• Holiday Delights – Poetry
• Eating Latkes in Gladness – Hanukkah Poetry
• The Princess and the Pain – Christmas Fairy Tale
• The Jewfish – A Holiday Tale
• Fireplace for Your Home – Christmas Essay
• A Simple Gift – Creative Christmas Nonfiction
• Octet – Hanukkah Fiction

Feroza Jussawalla

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Feroza Jussawalla, is a retired English Professor who is dipping her toes into Creative Writing. Originally from India, she has lived in Utah, New Mexico and Hawaii and taught in Texas and New Mexico. Primarily a poet and a scholar, she has one collection of poems entitled Chiffon Saris, published by the Kolkata Writer’s Workshop and the South Asian Review (Toronto).

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